What Joe Don't Know

From The Evil Dr. Guarino:

It is clear that there are some key people in the county GOP who are more moderate on some issues than C4GC folks. Within the county GOP, we have some who are liberal on certain social issues. There are some who think it is a great strategy politically to bow before the socialist Alma Adams obsequiously and kiss her ring to obtain her PAC endorsement. There are some big Greensboro Coliseum supporters within the party. Some have been friends, supporters and confidantes of City Councilman Zack Matheny. (In fact, it would be extremely ironic if these particular folks were among those who were hyperconcerned about the past of one specific C4GC founder.) And we have at least four non-conservative Republicans serving in local offices (and perhaps more)– Matheny, Robbie Perkins, Linda Shaw and Mike Winstead.

This statement subsequently generated lots of requests for the dirt on Matheny. But. I’ll get back to that.

Recently, many have been wondering why Jeff Hyde, with such an obvious tin ear for politics, would continually humiliate himself in public. I’ll have to return to that, too.

Last week, I received a Facebook request from Greensboro city councilwoman Nancy Vaughan and wife of NC Senator Don Vaughan, to start a blog. I declined by stating you know who would never allow it. However, I was contacted again today with a copy of the Riddleberger video and request to host it. Fortunately, I am vaguely familiar with some of the amateur porn sites and was able to assist. I replied with the URL, which I presume will be put to good use in upcoming elections.

Having now seen the video, I can confirm two things about which we had all been terribly curious: the fifteen year-old is a real stunner, who went on to enjoy great success a porn star and currently co-habitates with Charlie Sheen; and yes, Barrett Riddleberger has a really big pecker. Beyond the infamous legal ramifications of the video in question, there have been other terrible consequences, which I must now sadly relate.

The Hydes and Riddlebergers apparently met in Sunday School at Lawndale Baptist Church. It didn’t take long for the absent looks on Mrs. Riddleberger’s face, the frequent sighs and giggles, and barely suppressed screams when Barrett entered the room, to solicit inquiry. Mrs. Hyde eventually learned the source and inevitably the truth became a sore point in her relationship with Mr. Hyde.

A certain Mr. B. has told me that one night after learning of Riddleberger’s substantial resources, the Hydes were relaxing at home watching yet another episode of Glenn Beck on Faux News. At the end of a particularly moving piece, Mrs. Hyde stood up, turned to Mr. Hyde and screamed:

If you were half the man Barrett Riddleberger is, you’d do something about this.

And there you have the real reason Jeff Hyde entered politics and continues to play the fool.

Meanwhile, The Evil Dr. Guarino had been teaching a Sunday School class for senior citizens at the same church and some of the attendants were wheeled in from assisted living centers owned by Bell Properties, employer of Greensboro city councilman, Zack Matheny. He has spent months querying his unsuspecting students for info about Zack selling them real estate where they live, but since Matheny only does business out of town, the evil doctor has turned up nothing.

At the same time, Guarino has gained a lot of respect for the Riddleberger and Hydes’ religious and patriotic convictions, while being completely unaware of their actual nature. After all, if God had given me a gigantic Johnson, I’d be in the pew thanking him for it every Sunday, too. And wouldn’t it be natural to seek my fortune displaying my blessings for all to enjoy?

Failing to uncover any dirt on Matheny in church, my sources in Reidsville, and by virtue of my employment I have many, indicate the evil doctor has been seen on his lunch hour purchasing video equipment and a certain curly black wig. He is also said to have abandoned the senior citizens and is pestering the pastor to teach a class of adolescents, to what nefarious purposes we can only imagine.

Indeed, it appears Riddleberger displayed much promise as an adult entertainer, except for a rare medical condition known as Erectile Narcolepsy, by which loss of blood to the brain when aroused caused him to invariably lose consciousness. That explains why in the presence of fellow C4GC member, Isabella Adkins, Riddleberger can usually be seen napping.

And as you might expect, the Riddlebergers are fabulously popular at Greensboro Country Club, especially at private pool parties, where Barrett stays away from the water, lest he become excited and accidentally drown.

None of the GCC golfers know exactly how big Riddleberger is, because he only pulls out enough to win the bet.

While we may envy him, Riddleberger can never be issued a drivers license or wear short pants. Indeed, those with such an affliction generally come to a sticky end.