Letting My Freak Flag Fly

Let me be honest: it isn’t easy for me to be humble. Just now, I put out a couple dozen of the best Vietnamese rolls anybody ever ate. I had a whole bunch of 20-20 tequila shots with lime wedges while I made them and am appropriately drunk. I also spent all day in the yard, providing liquid nourishment to everything in sight, and then ran two vacuum cleaners on the rugs and the hardwood floors.

The reality is that I fucking rock. Without really getting into it, I spend my days working with the top couple percentile of intelligent people in the local area. While I might not have a photographic memory, my residual ability at the advanced age of fifty one allows me to keep up. However, my life experiences place me comfortably in God-like status among these new hires. Combine those with my incredible knowledge of current events, outstanding culinary abilities and mastery of several arts including music, and I am a force to be reckoned with. Fortunately, I also generally exhibit an exquisite humorous humility, which endears me to those, including nearly everyone, who have yet to attain such skills.

My point is that Providence, or God should you believe such nonsense, has placed me precisely in a position where I can have the most dramatic influence. With the people I am currently surrounded, I could take over the world in a couple of weeks. Instead, I will endeavor to make our employer extremely happy for the time being.

The fact remains that I am a fucking monster. God has blessed me with so many wonderful abilities that I cannot adequately address them all. Suffice it to say that everyday I simply pray for Him to use me to advance His glory as He sees fit. The truth is that should you find yourself, at an advanced age, in possession of such incredible abilities and insights, the only rational decision is to surrender the benefits of such Grace to the higher power from whence they came.

It is not simply the stupid and desperate who turn to a higher power. Sometimes it is also those who feel embarrassed at the bounty of blessings which they have received.

The upshot is that JoJo is out like a light. She came within $50 of her all-time best month. Subsequently plying her with Vietnamese rolls, crushed peanuts, Thai chili sauce and tequila shots was simply my way of proving my love and respect.

I realize this is a tough time for a lot of folks. But if anyone cares about us, please allow me to attest that we are doing just fine. When she wakes up, I have a blueberry cobbler waiting.

22:00: The kids I work with thought this was funny, and so did the Wife. Apparently, they don’t get out much:

Do you know how much coke Charlie Sheen did?

Enough to kill 2 1/2 men.